Needing to talk...

I don't really know where this post is heading, but I just feel like I need to write.

The past 2 days have been rough. I spent the weekend binging, feeling like crap and having major cramps, and allowing myself to have a bad attitude. I started my period last week and Saturday the binging began. I ALWAYS feel horrible when I binge and I don't understand why I let it happen in the first place. Lately I've been finding myself doing negative self talk. I find myself thinking "Yeah... I'm way too lazy to lose any more weight." "Yeah, I ate something bad for breakfast so there is no turning this day around now and I may as well not even exercise." THESE STATEMENTS ARE WRONG. It's like a form of self abuse and when I look at it that way, I can't believe that I just sit here and allow myself to be abused (by myself...). I guess I have just lost my momentum and am allowing that to make me feel like a failure?? I really don't know. Then I find myself on certain days feeling really great and motivated and have a really awesome and healthy day, and then the next day I feel careless again.

There is a person in my life who is overweight and she is CONSTANTLY telling me "I HAVE GOT to lose this weight. I'm so miserable and fat and I hate it. I'm changing this right now. I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT..." Then she will diet and exercise for one day, and then go right back to her same bad habits, and then the next week she is back telling me how miserable she is and how she HAS GOT to lose this weight... It is a vicious cycle that she lets herself be stuck in and I really really fear becoming exactly like that person.

Now writing all this down and reading it I feel like I'm being way hard on myself and I'm thinking perhaps my hormones (yes, it's that lovely time again!) are to blame? Because I'm normally a very positive person. I think (know) that not being able to run is really affecting my outlook on things as well as the way I feel about myself. I will be able to start jogging again next week and OMG I can't wait. I know it's going to be hard starting over, but I really can't wait. After every jog, no matter if I only ran .25 miles at a time or 2 miles at a time, I always feel a huge sense of accomplishment and like I am truly making progress in my overall fitness, as well as my goal of losing weight. So I am really looking forward to jogging again and getting back into that routine of progression.

Anyway, today my thoughts good. I at a Zone perfect bar for breakfast, I brought some DELICIOUS homemade ham and chicken pot pie for lunch (hubby made it and it's a relatively healthy recipe and oh-so yummy!) and am having homemade minestrone soup and roasted veggies for supper. I feel so good about things when my day is planned out like that. I am also taking my lunch time walk today, and John and I are walking to the little vegetable stand after work today to buy some veggies for roasting, and I will do my 45 minutes on the elliptical tonight.

I want to say that I am so thankful for having Stephanie as a partner in this journey. Reading her blogs ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS encourages me and gives me the little bits of inspiration that I need, and I want SO BADLY to be that person for her again. She has made her long term goal 140 lbs, and I've never told her or anybody else this but my *dream* goal has always been 150 lbs. I have just never put it on paper or told a single soul because I thought it would be too hard for me and unrealistic so I settled for 160 as my long term goal. Well guess what Stef? I'm changing my goal to 150 because you gave me the courage to be true to myself. Thank you!!

So: how have I been doing on my January goals?
#1- Get back to the track in 2 weeks because that's when the Dr. said I will be good to go with running. Still waiting for this one, but it's gonna happen!
#2- Cook at least 3 dinners at home per week and eat the leftovers! Doing really well here. John has been cooking some too, but we are both very much more aware about eating at home AND eating the leftovers rather than letting things go to waste
#3- Exercise at least 45 minutes, 4 times a week. Didn't completely accomplish this one last week, as I only did 3 days. But this week is a new week and I plan to make it to 4 days.
#4- Read the daily sparkblog EVERY DAY. I've done just great here too. Even days when I wasn't exactly feeling motivated, I would read the blog because I knew it was part of my goals and that I needed to do it.
#5- BRING LUNCH TO WORK. Doing great here as well. Bringing lunch to work is SUCH AN IMPORTANT THING for me or else I find myself getting into trouble in the middle of the day and heading to the cafe. Having a lunch AND snacks at work helps me in achieving my goals.

I have these goals posted on my wall in my office, and in the kitchen at home right next to my calender. I have also told John about these goals and of course he can see them hanging on the wall in the kitchen. I know having them in sight as well as having John know about them helps me keep them in my mind.

So there we are. Overall not too bad with my January goals, I just needed a serious attitude adjustment and I think blogging gave me just that. Proof that I need to blog more often...

I have also been researching 5ks in my area for this spring and summer, and there is one on April 10 that John and I are going to sign up for! I am so excited and I know that signing up and paying for it will help in my motivation. We can't officially sign up until February 1st, but I am definitely going to do it that day.

John has started working out again and wants to try P90X (his bro said he would burn the discs for him) and I'm really proud of him for wanting that. He hasn't worked out much since winter hit but things work out so much better when we are both trying to achieve healthy goals and being a support for one another. I'm so thankful for him!

Anyway, there it all is. What a blog! I'm looking forward to making this week a success in my path of enjoying a healthy lifestyle

Because blogging is my therapy...

UGH. Sometimes I frustrate myself beyond belief.

I skipped lunch today.

I didn't bring anything from home, and suddenly realized how hungry I was about 30 minutes ago (2 pm). So instead of running to Subway down the block, I ran to Burger King, also just down the street. And I ordered a Whopper with cheese, and a medium fry. The whole time I was doing it, I kept thinking "Mallory! What are you doing?? You have issues girl. You have issues. This isn't what you really want." Seriously, that's what a conversation in my head looks like when I am about to binge. And then I generally follow thru with my bad behavior, even though I know it's not going to make me happy. It's something that I do and that I need to get a grip on. Anyway, I got the food back here to work, pigged down all the fries without hardly even tasting them, and cut the burger in half and only ate half. Then threw the other half out. Which I guess you could say that's a good thing, but I still just consumed 695 calories (probably more including the cheese) and I feel so gross. Stomach hurting, the works. I'm so disappointed in myself and wish that I would just use my willpower to stop these behaviors. UGH. I really need to get over this completely unhealthy eating thing that's been happening off and on for the past week. I haven't stepped on the scale for a week or so, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty if I did. I am really starting to miss that feeling of LOSING WEIGHT. I feel like one little part of me is saying "Good job, Mal! You've lost 30 lbs now you're good to go!" And of course I know that's not true.

Anyway, I really need to do this for myself so I am promising YOU, Internet, that I am going to go jogging tonight. I think with my exercise routine being out of whack it really hasn't helped my eating struggles. So that's what I will do this evening. At least 45 minutes worth of jogging/walking. AND I will go to the store and get a few Healthy Choice meals to bring for lunches. Those tend to keep me in line pretty well. Phew. Feeling a little better already. I'll report back tomorrow on how that all goes.

I have issues.

With food, that is. But I already knew that.

It's time to confess... I am EXTREMELY disappointed in myself and I feel like I won't be able to let it go until I just write it all down and officially get over it.

The last 2 days have been a complete disaster, both with exercise and eating. I mean DISASTER. I have just been craving sweets and saltys, and I've given in more than I would like to admit. I mean king sized candy bars, doughnuts galore, hamburgers and fries (x2), gigantic breakfast burritos, hot dogs, cookie dough... you name it. And I have no excuses so I'm not even going to go there.

As far as exercising, I decided after my jog on Saturday to take a break from jogging for now because I have what seems to be a pulled muscle in my thigh that is just not going away. It's actually really weird, half the time it feels like a pinched nerve, half the time it feels like its a pulled muscle, and when it first happened it felt like it was in my hip socket. It happened when I was wearing those horrible awful shoes, and it seems like I just hurt it all over again each time I go jogging. I would just push through the pain and get over it but I've decided that I really need to let it heal before it becomes something worse. And I had every intention of doing the elliptical or biking in place of jogging, but I just haven't done it. End of story.

Anyway, today I am back on track with my eating, and planning a 60 minute bike ride this evening. I'm actually really looking forward to it because it's been a while since I have ridden. I'm also looking forward to the over all good feeling that I get from exercise, because my choices the past few days have really had a negative effect on my overall outlook. It's amazing how the things you eat, and lack of exercise effect your entire life.

Well now that I have, in a way, made my confession, I feel like I am over this and officially moving on. I'm so done feeling icky. I have reason to believe i've been craving like mad due to PMS but I'm not using that as an excuse. I know I'm stronger than that and I'm happy to be done with it.

Have a great day everyone! I'm feeling better already.